A godly marriage requires a godly man and a godly woman. What are the essential traits that a Christian woman should look for in a man she would consider dating or marrying?
1. He must be in Christ
It's not enough that he goes to church, has a title, serves in church, posts about God online, or is a Preacher's kid. It's not enough that he calls himself a Christian. He must be born again and made a new creation in Christ.(John 3:3, 2 Corinthians 5:17) Only when he is born again is He able to (by the power of the Holy Spirit) live a righteous and godly life. What is his conversion story? At what point in his life did he turn from sin and worldliness to serve Christ? Is there a consistent and clear pattern of godly living? Is he pursuing holiness? Or is he double-minded, worldly and in & out the church? If a guy isn't in Christ no matter how much he performs and tries to "live right" through time you will see his true fruit. He must abide in Christ to bear His fruit.(John 15:4) Inspite of flaws, a man who is in Christ has a genuine love for the Lord and desires to honor Him with his life.
God has called for men to lead. A woman who is submitted to Christ and understands her role desires for a man to lead. C'mon somebody! As Christian women we want to feel secure and comfortable that a man can effectively lead. Is he passive with no backbone? Has he allowed women to control him in the past? Can you see yourself submitting to him? Can you see him leading you spiritually and setting an example to follow? (If he is younger or newer in the faith, he may not be very experienced in leading. It's unfair to compare him to seasoned men of God who have way more years of experience. However, he should prayerfully and actively work on developing leadership.)
3. Broken over sin
Even as a man of God, he won't be perfect as we are all being sanctified!(1 John 1:8) The question is how does he respond when he falls short? Does he even care that he sinned against God? Does he justify and try to cover up his sin? Or is he broken, grieved, and repentant over sin? Our relationship with sin reveals our relationship with God. If a man loves God, he will also hate his sin. No matter how much he may claim to love God, if he's at peace in a sinful lifestyle it's a clear indicator that he may not know the Lord.(1 John 2:4) Believers should be responsible for our sin being reminded of the gospel, that if we confess our sins Christ is faithful and just to forgive us.(1 John 1:9) You will not see perfection but we should be broken, at war, and repentant over sin.(2 Corinthians 7:10)
“It is not the absence of sin but the grieving over it which distinguishes the child of God from empty professors” -A.w. Pink
Is he very impulsive and makes decisions without prayer or godly counsel? Or does he pray and seek God's direction first? Does he try to make things happen on his own or does he allow God in His timing to open doors? In his pursuit of you is he spirit led? Or is he all over the place, up and down and inconsistent? Do you see more of the fruits of the spirit or deeds of the flesh in his life? (Galatians 5:16-25)
5. Humble and Teachable
How does he respond when he's confronted with sin? How does he respond when he's corrected? Does he ignore everyone and accuses them of being haters, jealous or judgmental? Even if it's not immediately can he come back and take accountability for his actions and humbly admit his mistakes? Can he apologize when he's wrong? Can he take criticism? Does he listen? Or is he a know it all who is prideful, unteachable, and arrogant?
6. Discipline and Self-control
When it comes to sexual purity how is he? Is he seeking to guard his eyes and heart from lust? Does he justify sex outside of marriage? How does he interact with other women? Does he have a reputation of sliding in different women dm? If a man lacks discipline in singleness, it will only manifest in marriage. If a man cannot be faithful to God with his body in singleness how can you expect him to be faithful to you in marriage? Marriage doesn't cure lust, it only exposes it more! (I truly believe there are brothers who love the Lord who struggle in this area. Until they get the help they need and allow the Lord to do a work in them in this area, I wouldn't go forward.)
7. Grounded in the word
Is this brother invested in knowing his word? Does he study to show himself approved?(2 timothy 2:15) I'm not saying that he has to be a theologian and needs to exegete scripture perfectly lol but does he know the basics of our faith? Can he distinguish between truth and error? Can he discern false doctrine and is able to refute it? As Christian women, we should want a man who can wash us in the word and point us to Christ. (Ephesians 5:26) Also be discerning because there are many men who have head knowledge but have no love for God or no desire to live out all the theology that they know.
8. Disciple making
Does he have a heart for the lost? Is he seeking to disciple other brothers in the faith? Is he seeking to pour out his life for the glory of God and live out the great commission in his life? (Matthew 28:19-20)
9. Under sound leadership and accountability
What church does he attend? Is he under a biblically sound Pastor? Sisters listen up this is important!!! How can you follow a man who's following behind false teachers? False doctrine is poisonous to our spiritual walk and can lead us astray.(2 timothy 3:13) If you were to get engaged, would you want to get marriage counseling from a false teacher? It's important that he sits under a man of God who faithfully preaches the word and gives godly wisdom. Who are his friends? Godly men should have godly friends. If all of his friends are worldly and carnal this is a indicator that he may be too! (Amos 3:3 Can two walk together unless they agree.)
Does this brother has a plan? I'm sure he doesn't have it all together because we as women sure don't have it all together! He may not have the best job, best credit score, or best car but is he content with staying there? Is he in college, trying to get a better job, being financially responsible or making moves to where he can provide for you if you were to marry? (1 Timothy 5:8) Do you trust his vision and can you see yourself building and growing with him? (Please don't think I'm insinuating getting with a lazy man who has absolutely nothing to bring to the table.)
I hope this blog could be of some encouragement and clarification for my sisters. I think we can use this blog to examine ourselves too. We can't expect these qualities in a godly man if we're not prayerfully working on these areas and allowing God to change us! We must be patient and gracious as we are all being sanctified and growing in the Lord. However, if a guy's fruit shows that he doesn't know the Lord sisters PLEASE RUN from unequally yoked relationships. You can't change him, only the Lord can! Above everything else, pray for wisdom and that God's will be done! Please email me if you have questions Highheelsstandards@gmail.com Love you all!